From His Man-Made-Faked Blue Eyes
by Lightning And Blossoms
Summary: Then what difference would it make if there was another assassin? Yassen didn't have the answer- and didn't bother to look for answers. He remembered thinking a few days before the Explosion; 'I'll never know unless I made up some conclusion in my head.' Note: I wasn't sure about the rating for this story... K or T...


**A/N:** _1._ Well, I had some time on my hands! _(Okay, fine, writing was keeping me together)_. _2._ I haven't written an _actual update_ for like over 3 weeks.. and I haven't actually done an Alex Rider Fic for over a month...

Those are the reasons why I've written a one-shot, when I should be focusing on my other in-completed fics. Don't worry, I haven't abandoned them! It's just complicated, unfortunately...

_Disclaimer:_ I've realised- literally, just now- that I hardly ever put disclaimers on my story. It seems kind of pointless; cause on the actual site it'self, there's a disclaimer, about how this is not for profit, etc. And I do have my own disclaimer about all my stories on my profile. Yes, that was a shameless plug for you to check out my profile and hopefully my other stories... and yes, I did just want a chance to rant...

_**Warning:**_ Well, when I finished writing this, I kind of depressed myself... and when I re-read it, I realised it might also offend some people. I don't intend that, so I'm sorry if that happens... I just kept telling myself to think through what Yassen could be thinking... It is from his point of view, any ways.

_**Important Note: **Basically around July 2011 or so, I made myself a personal goal. The goal was that I'll make up and write 50 Alex Rider Fan Fictions. I have six other Alex Rider Fan Fictions, and five of them are a part of this personal goal (A Different Day In The SAS, The Occupation Jeopardy, 5.A.M and Caught In A Chase 25 To Life and Social Interactions). This is actually my SIXTH fanfiction in this personal 50-Alex-Rider-Fanfics (which means there are now seven alex rider fics all together... I hope you enjoy it! I guess you could let me know in a review? :D_

From His Man-Made-Faked Blue Eyes

Distance was the only thing Yassen Gregrovitch ever really _understood_.

He realised, eventually, that it was most likely because his mother never attempted to get over her depression when she went through her pregnancy for him. His father had issues himself, but being 12 years old, Yassen was only an overlooked child and didn't truly want to deal with his paranoid dad. But it made it hard to ignore when he cared- _loved_- them. The steep on the road, was two issues: his father was always distracting Yassen. He could remember afternoons where his dad wasn't ill-tempered and taught him Geography.

It confused the blue eyed boy, who often found himself wandering how his father wasn't an alcoholic yet- _what was stopping him?_ His father clearly had anger management issues- and from the conversations that Yassen selectively listened to, it had something to do with children, childhood and bullying. If Yassen was honest to himself, as a child, that was one reason why he decided to remain distant- elusive with feelings and behaviour. It confused him of why the older man was happy, most times, with him, when he was obviously a kid and he apparently had issues with _kids_. So, Yassen half un-consciously figured that if he didn't complain and his father didn't know much of his behaviour- then no fights would occur and Yassen didn't want to see those looks on his father's face.

The second issue, included his mum. It _frustrated_ him, that despite him still being a child, he had to grow up earlier than he knew should've been normal. He had to be 'independent'- as much as he could- because he didn't, and couldn't, depend on his mother... Or perhaps he _could've tried_. It's not like his parents were monsters; they just were dealing with emotional issues that, at Yassen's age, he couldn't help, so he didn't bother. His parents loved him- _they tried_, and Yassen noticed this, making it harder to feel so rejected. But that's what finally snapped in Yassen, despite them trying to be there- he witnessed his mother attempt suicide a few times because she feels like everything is _wrong_, because she feels numb and that she doesn't understand anything any more. _"All I understand, is you, Yassen... I'm sorry,"_ was the words Yassen heard her sob one time when he was 8 years old. What exactly was he supposed to do?

The problem that tied together those issues, was that his parents never _seeked_ help, because they kept trying to avoid and numb it all; try and be a happy, normal, suburb family growing up together, having sparse dinner at the end of the day. It was _fake_. The pretence was what helped Yassen to more rapidly turn into his modern-steeled personality. It had partly inspired the boy's decision at age 14, that established the rest of his life. Because, it seemed like the only real moment... Like the rest of his life was _surreal_- memories of depression, blooded knives, smashed pots from anger, the same pale blue eyes he has seen through his father's tears... the moments of understanding Geography, his dad laughing, his mother hugging him, sharing dinner in a peaceful silence at the end of _every_ day... it all swam around, and Yassen couldn't piece them together. It was like a surreal, invisible _puzzle_.

The fact is, Yassen was just a child, nonetheless. He never had a normal life and since he was just a child, he didn't understand it because he was still growing through his own form of childhood that involved _good_ and _bad_ moments together. He never mourned the unknown. He never let himself an opportunity to mourn his twisted childhood he vaguely understood.

It was a topic that not just adults (e.g. teachers) were into, but also students- what each individual wanted to be when they grew up. For a while, Yassen used to joke about how he wanted to be a professional make up artist (it highly amused the sixth grader to see the different reactions). It was a notion; the response that Yassen noticed- some of the adults were able to control their reactions fairly quickly and well enough; that aspired the pale boy to want to be able to do that. To have his own behaviour and emotions kept to himself- and have them hidden from everybody unless he allows them to witness it. It didn't help that he already had to be 'independent' and distant because of his childish understanding. He noticed that when he was in control, less drama and explaining occurs.

Yassen Gregrovitch was hardly a crier. One day when he was 12 years old, it arrived as graduation day for year sixes, his mother admitted her depression in front of the whole graduation. It was the moment where Yassen really didn't like how his mother _behaved_- the moment where he realised he didn't agree with his mother's decisions and when he _really_ didn't like the 'curse' of_depression_. But yet, he _felt_ for her, because she finally admitted it- he thought she was just in denial, but... he felt like he needed to comfort her. It conflicted with his previous reaction...

He stood up from his seat, to assist his mother off the stage, when everybody decided that was a great time to question him all at once. He was startled because no-one really ever asked him too many questions before, nobody really seemed to need his input.

The pale, blue eyed boy was perfectly content in his own mind frame, anyway. He was _not_ comfortable with even _subtle_ forms of interrogation! Therefore, the horrible memory of that day, wasn't that his mother announced depression, and that his natural response would be embarrassment- but was how Yassen couldn't handle the crowd of people around him... on the verge of a panic attack.

Trying to remain standing, he spun around, attempting to answer all the questions, hurled towards him, like one massive crowded body.

He felt betrayed... Because his mother never allowed her husband or son to know her deeper emotions on depression, and on a day where it would be all about Yassen, his mother just 'causally' says it in front of everybody? Including his _teachers_, as well? His teachers already thought Yassen was shy; he dreaded the stares and discussions with them now in the last week in year six, coming up. They'd want details, they'd want to feel like it's their job to know what issues were going on behind closed doors at Yassen's house, offer up useless advice, pretend to understand-_fake, fake, faked, all a pretence_- when Yassen would have to hold back his tongue- because it'd be _disrespectful_ to snap at teachers, and more questions, questions, questions, that Yassen would try to answer, but they wouldn't listen to Yassen's reasoning...

Nobody would understand- because Yassen's parents love him. He knows this- it's a fact; when he was 7 years old and a robber came into the house, holding a knife as a weapon, Yassen tried to attack the burglar from behind. His father and mother had been watching t.v. late that night, and the second they heard Yassen yelp as the blade cut him on the arm- his dad attacked the man without thinking. Yassen was too busy fuelled on adrenaline to comprehend anything at that moment, but he grabbed the knife, and his dad handled the robber. His mother called the police- and after everything had happened and was fixed, and they were alone in the house again, his dad held Yassen for many minutes, telling him to _never_ attack anybody ever again...

It was such a strange scenario, Yassen remembered, in contrast to his mother's announcement in front of his school, age 12. It made the moment harder to understand. With the dread and shock in Yassen at that frozen moment around his school, his startled feelings, verging on panic attack, didn't leave him until half an hour later.

His mother had found the will to walk away and not cause any more commotion. Despite the conflict Yassen felt, one that emotions felt too great for a 12 year old to be overwhelmed by, he wasn't surprised to find he was worried about his mother feeling guilty. Worried about the scene she created and if she would attempt suicide. He remembered the strong urge he abruptly got when he wanted to cry, when relief caught him finally finding his mother next to the water bottles on the table. He never understood why at the moment he wanted to cry, and after age 14, he decided it was a bad idea to dwell on it. Perhaps it was the relief or frustration getting to him- the moment in his life when he realised things weren't as normal as he thought. He was a kid. Maybe it was all of that rolled up into one, the moment that quickly passed after he felt the warmth of his mother hugging him, apologising. _"Sweet, I'm sorry- I'm sorry- I'll make it up to you- I promise. I'll make it all right."_ And his mother hardly ever made promises.

And she made a promise to him.

How could he not believe that? Yassen was just a child who was overwhelmed, and at that moment being in the middle of so many internal, emotional issues wasn't even on his 'want list'.

He was getting weary after the adrenaline he experienced. Yassen gave up. He was close to some form of depression, at that moment... but then, abruptly, he gave up in a different way. He gave up trying to understand his family, his few friends, his teachers, the authors in the books he's supposed to be studying... humans in general.

And after that, everything seemed much more clearer. His parent's behaviour seemed more clearer- and so, he enjoyed the rest of the day. His dad constantly stuck around Yassen, after the commotion. He was smiling, but it wasn't fake- and didn't feel the need to explain himself. That was what Yassen loved the most- peace, _not_ _fake_. He hoped the rest of his life would be that. But, suddenly, after falling asleep that night, he didn't talk to his parents for three days. And then, for the next few months leading up to year seven, high school, Yassen was happy to be alone. The one thing that continually stayed in his mind was, who did he want to be? It wasn't a purpose of 'who did he want to be when he _grew up_' any more, because he was ready to leave school and work away from home. Or, he was ready to pick a subject he was keen on and go to study at it's specific school for some future job... of _his choice_.

He was completely oblivious to the fact that 13 months away, was when he would leave school and agree to a career that he'd never be able to move from- basis of his whole life, from age 14, after his parents died in a Chemical Explosion. Perhaps the decision to seek out Scorpia was because of the grief of his parents unfortunate death. He remembers how disturbed he was, the night his decision was made- disturbed by how much his parents loved him; and _tried_ to do the best they could.

The fourteen year old knew about Scorpia two years prior. The problem with children knowing something as such, they forget where they heard it, who said it... Actually it wasn't until his fourteen birthday when he _really thought_ about Scorpia. He wandered what it would be like to be an assassin. He didn't think he could do it, from his personal perspective the only issue he'd run through was- he didn't know if he could murder somebody. Fire a gun, hunt them down, hide, interrogation to other people... he could imagine himself doing that, after training. But to murder somebody was something he didn't think he could do.

The slowly debased boy already gave up on trying to _change_ his life, help it... Moved on from expecting people to help, for people to _change_... Noted how the world is filled with negative people and positively _weird_ people who try to make it seem like that is false... So if the world isn't going to change, and Yassen's considered the life on Earth pointless _for him_, without change... Then what difference would it make if there was another assassin?

Yassen didn't have the answer- and didn't bother to look for answers. He remembered thinking a few days before the Explosion that_ 'I'll never know unless I made up some conclusion in my head.'_So, after that, his mind got even more bottled with questions- mainly about Scorpia. He wasn't to know that he had already _changed_ his life dramatically because of how he let his mind fly the past few weeks. Besides, he had never been good with controlling his mind in the first place.

When the moment came, his decision to defect to Scorpia was rapid. He never completely regretted it- he learned more about himself. He preferred to be 'safe', him the predator, not the victim. He met somebody, a friend, who he believes truly did care for him, and showed it in a way _different_ to his parents, a way that made Yassen so very wary at first- John Rider. He learned more about the world through Alex Rider- and was amused at how unpredictable the kid was- a real special kind in their species. Yassen realised he liked the element of surprise, for a certain amount of time, after 'watching' Alex... and he didn't realise he missed being surprised.

He wasn't proud of his job. Despite knowing his increasing age with every year... He knew that if he was to re-live everything again, he'd still make the same decision to arrive at Scorpia's doorstep. However, if the decision... if the job was offered suddenly today... Whether he was 17, 27 or 37, he'd said no. It's not a lifestyle he _likes_ to do, it's just a _job_, it's _just money_- and more increasingly he wants _out_. He's done _enough_. He misses his parents. He knows they'll be in Heaven, if there's a Heaven... he just hopes he'd make it.

_**A/N:** I just re-read that, and ohmyJohannaMason, why do I sound like I'm bagging out Yassen's parents so much? It's not like I dislike parents! For all I know, Yassen's parents could have been angels... but I kept wandering; what forced Yassen's decision to join Scorpia at age 14? How did he snap? How did he turn into the person he was when we first met him in Stormbreaker? I haven't read the Alex Rider Series in a long time, so there might be about a hundred mistakes I've written in this one-shot... But I was just writing in the spur of the moment, late at night, when I was exhausted but couldn't sleep... So, I guess one way to figure out if this one-shot is okay, is by you reviewing? You took the time to read this, and for that I appreciate it... but couldn't you waste another half a minute by giving me feedback?_

_**Updated:** Okay, I got an anonymous review by OCLD, and I appreciate that (in just a few hours after posting? I was so happy!). I also got a PM on my story, by awesomosityrox about my story- and I appreciate that. Both feedback was to assure me that Anthony Horowitz has an upcoming book, for the moment known as 'Yassen' that will answer these questions... That will be about Yassen's life. As I appreciate their feedback, and I'd like to let everybody reading this know that I did know all about that book... I've been anxiously waiting it for like two years now... And that's why those questions kept popping into my head, and recently I gave in and wrote this fic to temporarily satisfy myself. I'm a bit disappointed that I cannot reply to OCLD's review; they didn't leave their personal account... so I hope that they see this note (I can hope, can't I?) because I appreciate it. Thank you to awesomosityrox as well- I had a hard day, so it was nice to see two people being considerate to me! _


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